It's been around 3 weeks now that I haven't really wanted to leave the house except for work.  I'd like to work all the time...it stops my mind from the business inside it. So busy, it torments me.  Work is the only way I can stop it.  But when I'm at work I can barely function at times and wonder "what the heck am I even doing here?" only to exhaust myself and the endless cycle of being rundown begins again.

 I can finally understand the saying;

 "when you give someone an inch, they take a mile"....I honestly feel like pieces of me are missing, chunks of me infact.  This happens every time we have contact either txt, calling or face to face time.  I allowed her into my life and brought my guards down for a couple of weeks...I never again want to allow this control freak to take from me the way she has, nor constantly interfere in our lives the way she does.  Seriously...I've never been treated like a child the way she continually checks up on us as if we aren't able to take care of ourselves!!  I have survived my own mothers mishaps...now I have to survive the mother in laws...

 So I finally get to speak with my new psychologist, she's fantastic, ex RN of course! ;) What she told me was news I was not expecting to ever hear.  She tells me that if I keep going the way I am, and constantly allowing the MIL to disrespect my own boundaries, disregarding my own emotions for the sake of the family's and MIL's and of course, my husbands, that I am rapidly heading towards a mental breakdown......

Of course my husband doesn't want this to happen....but when will he finally stand up to his interfering and Jezebel-like mother? Surely he can see the effect this is having on me and our lives..?! And yet, not enough to motivate him to action.  :,,(

I have no friends in the Mount. Would someone like to move down here?  Maybe there's a good reason as to why we haven't bought a house yet..Maybe I need to move away from the MIL? Would Perth be far enough, or would we have to go OS?? I dont think I could handle another huge move and starting all over again...just.not.up.to.it. :(

Would I go back to Q? it would be easier with such wonderful friends there..I can find work anywhere, but my husband cannot. 

So, I am left once again in limbo it feels...yet between a rock, and a hard place.....

The rudest thing on earth....

Not so sure that's how I wanted our meeting to go...The in-laws had just left.....and I just can't believe what happened. 

WHO asks those kind of question's??!! WHO in their right mind???    

The lead up was us talking about my recent catch-ups with my peeps, and she asks; 

"Had any of them commented on how you......... look different??" I just KNEW she was alluding to me gaining a stack of weight since I got here last year.

 I just thought...   "WTF!! you did NOT just ask me that..." I looked at dad and he was looking down...

"What?!" I said thinking I must've been in shock, stunned and lost for words whilst trying desperately not to jump across the table and strangle her...

"You know," she LITERALLY smiled innocently "did any of your friends notice and comment 

on if you've gained weight or lost it? Did any of them say you look good, or different, or that you've lost any weight?"............

About a thousand things were racing through my mind right then, pretty much like 'you bitch, you rude, bitch!' and for those who know me, know I've have major hangups and obsessed about my weight for as long as I can remember.....

She kept going on still smiling as if she didn't just ask the rudest question in history...whilst she kept digging a hole with her words.....I wanted to bury her in it. Right there and then.

My response: "Actually I was the one that spoke about it first and how depressed I've been since I got here, it's a huge culture shock.......".

Her response????? changed the topic as if I hadn't just dropped the D-bomb.....

now?... I'm left feeling like I need to scream and shake her shoulders whilst yelling "Didn't you JUST hear what I said???? I just told you I had been suffering depression from culture shock....from YOUR CULTURE!!!!!!!
.I am completely alone....I think I almost made my Counsellor cry yesterday because I said it feels like I dont have anyone supporting me...

Chasing what age and vulnerability...

So here we are again.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to be the people pleaser i have been at work. I'm tired of trying to fit in and be included but I've been feeling completely left out and walked over at work...I cant help but feel no one likes me there, God where did my minimal self esteem go?
i don't seem to fit in anywhere and my only friend remains...my sister in law Skip. I never thought I'd be chasing 33 and feel so vulnerable..

It just feels that my colleagues aren't cutting me any slack, nor does anyone seem to understand the massive emotional strain when living with a stressful job, new situation or moving across the other side of the country...where many are related {cue Deliverance music}
maybe I'm losing my capacity to cope...is that possible? is it normal? Am I normal?
How can I go and save the world if I can't even save myself?!
:`(